Monday, January 19, 2015

It's been awhile..

So its been awhile since I've written anything.  I didn't look back on the last post but I believe I was at the point of explaining why I had decided to start all of this.

As many of you know my brother Matt died last year. It was due to an overdose/mixture of several different drugs.  I was not close with Matt for several reasons but none the less it was a difficult time.  
One of the biggest reasons that Matt and I were not close was because of how he handled my father's death.  He used it as an excuse to act like a jackass, in and out of rehabs, stealing from my mom, doing drugs in front of my little brother, when he was 12, and basically being a terrible example for my brother Andrew.  And through it all my mother just made excuse after excuse for him and enabled him along the way.  My mother coddled  Matt, made him dependent on her, not that he tried to change it.

I could go into lots of detail but I'll give one example that should paint a pretty clear picture. My mother would take my brother to all of his doctor's appointments , which sounds harmless but she wouldn't just take him to his appointments, she would go in with him to see his doctor.  I was told of one doctor that asked why she was in there.  She would say she was his patient advocate and that she needed to be there because he had a bad short term memory, as if a pen and paper weren't available.  So you see my brother's death was partially my mothers fault.  She created a situation where Matt had no responsibility, no desire or ability to handle real life.  Mommy took care of everything and allowed him to continue to do whatever he wanted.  Unfortunately she couldn't clean up his last mess.

However the larger point is that Matt, enabled by my mother, set a terrible example for my youngest brother Andrew.  After Matt died Andrew got wrapped up in harder drugs and wound up needing to go to rehab.  Fortunately I have a friend who works in the addiction treatment industry and he was able to arrange a virtually free stint at a rehab.  It was a great rehab in California but my mother derailed the whole thing because it was out in California.  She didn't want him to go to California but this was a great opportunity, it was a high quality rehab.  So I told her if she messed it up that I was done with her, she wouldn't see my kids,etc.  She said oh well.

I just don't understand someone that would do that.  Again her interests or feelings were put above the well being of a child.  She would rather risk him dying then him go get help and see that she is a large part of the problem.  So that's what led me to write all the things I wrote.  I got tired of dealing with it, with her, and with my brother because I was always wrong in their eyes, especially when I tried to help.    Fortunately Andrew did end up going to rehab, through tireless efforts by my friend, but of course my mother convinced my Aunt to buy him a plane ticket home, after only 15 days of rehab.  With Matt I didn't really try to help him, with Andrew I did, but all my efforts and trying got me nowhere so I wrote them off.  I hope he turns out OK, I hope it all works out for them but for me...I'm done.  I need to protect my children from the crap that they bring.  Its all drama all the time and I don't need it.

So there you have it.  The conclusion to this, I think.  Perhaps I wrote this to justify my actions, perhaps I wrote to help people, perhaps I wrote it so people would understand me a little better, I'm not really sure.  I think it is probably a combination of all of those.   So thanks for reading.  I don't think I will post to this blog anymore but I may start another one, not sure.


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