Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Symptoms/Effects

So now that we have the why, or at least what is understood, of BPD, lets focus on the signs/symptoms of this disorder.  Again lets go with official sources. From psych central;

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, oranxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

I highlight the anger section because that is what affected me the most.  When I was growing up my mother would get angry very quickly and you would never know what would piss her off.

SO how did this affect me... well as a child you think that the world revolves around you and that anything that happens is your doing or fault.  So if my mother would be unpredictably angry I assumed that it was because of something I did or was doing.  So my self esteem was incredibly low because I thought that I was stupid, annoying, or basically unworthy of love.  I blamed myself for my mothers outbursts.  On top that I was also hit on more then one occasion.  So not only was I being mentally abused I was, on occasion, being physically abused.  And not only that...  I was also told to not be upset about it...if you dont stop crying I'll give you something to cry about.     To be clear I dont think I had the worst childhood but it wasnt the best either. 

Thats enough for now I think next time I will get more specific and give examples of what I was dealing with.  Eventually I will get to the overcoming it part but I really want to stress how devastating this was for me.  My mother, the one that is supposed to nurture, reassure, show compassion, was the exact opposite.    

Thanks for reading.

MR



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