- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
- Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
- Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
- Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, oranxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
- Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms
I highlight the anger section because that is what affected me the most. When I was growing up my mother would get angry very quickly and you would never know what would piss her off.
SO how did this affect me... well as a child you think that the world revolves around you and that anything that happens is your doing or fault. So if my mother would be unpredictably angry I assumed that it was because of something I did or was doing. So my self esteem was incredibly low because I thought that I was stupid, annoying, or basically unworthy of love. I blamed myself for my mothers outbursts. On top that I was also hit on more then one occasion. So not only was I being mentally abused I was, on occasion, being physically abused. And not only that... I was also told to not be upset about it...if you dont stop crying I'll give you something to cry about. To be clear I dont think I had the worst childhood but it wasnt the best either.
Thats enough for now I think next time I will get more specific and give examples of what I was dealing with. Eventually I will get to the overcoming it part but I really want to stress how devastating this was for me. My mother, the one that is supposed to nurture, reassure, show compassion, was the exact opposite.
Thanks for reading.