Thursday, August 28, 2014

Memories...

So we've covered the why of BPD, basically trauma (abuse of some kind), abandonment, or lack of love/connection from your mother.  I believe that there was a lack of love/connection between my mother and her mother.  My grandmother had 5 kids, one a step son, and I wonder if she was able to give my mother what she needed in order to be a healthy happy kid.  I know my mother never graduated high school due to her being sick, but I was never clear on what that sickness was.

Now lets cover why I think that my mom has this disorder.  I have been in and out of psycho therapy for about 15 years.  The last 9 of those years has been with my current Doctor.  Dr. Lou has been invaluable to me and has helped me to be where I am now.  So of course he has heard every story, every detail of my life and due to circumstances lately, we really focused on my mom.  I told him that I would give 2 paychecks to have someone figure out what was wrong with her.  He said that I could keep my money because he was pretty sure, after everything he had heard over the last 9 years, that my mom had BPD.  So that is why I believe that my mom has this disorder.

So what did I deal with exactly. Well...I dont remember a lot from my childhood, especially the early years, but what I do remember is mostly bad memories.  There was always chaos in my house.  A lot of yelling, screaming, fighting, etc.   One of my earliest memories is when I was around 5.  My family and I lived in Gettysburg at the time and I was being bullied by my friends older brother.  So my mom, and maybe my dad, told me to stand up to him.  I did that and he punched me in the nose and gave me a bloody nose.  I freaked out, I was hurting, I was scared so I ran home and my mom yelled at me.  Its very very fuzzy but I think she actually sat on me after I laid down on the couch and yelled at me for crying.  I did what she said and I got punched for it and then I got yelled at for being upset.  My mother did not like crying or whining so I'm guessing that is why she freaked out on me.  Either way the memory is not a good one.

Another memory that I have is when I was around 10 and I left my house due to all the chaos and went to my Aunt's who lived nearby.  Well I guess my mom did not like that I left and she called down to my Aunts to tell me to come home.  I said no.  So she came down and grabbed me by the hair, pulling me to my house, all the while yelling at me.  Again this is fuzzy but my Aunt was there so she remembers, but I believe she used her classic, I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out.  So she essentially told a scared 10 year old boy that she would kill him for trying to avoid the chaos that was occurring in his house.  And like I said earlier, as a kid you blame all of it on yourself.  It was my fault for making her so mad, it was my fault that there was always arguing and fighting in our house.  It took me a very very long time to be able to say this and more importantly to feel it...it was not my fault.  I was a child and no child should be treated like that, EVER.  I simply can not fathom treating my girls in this way.  I just dont get it.  I dont understand how anyone could think what she did was ok.  How did she think it was ok?

I have a few more memories but I will save them for later.  The next one will be a few memories and then some info about what is going on with my family now.  What has caused me to start talking about my past.

Till then.  Take care of yourselves.

MR

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